What's love got to do with it?

There are so many ideas about love, but what is love and what does it have to do with a relationship?

Love is a lot of things. In Greek, there are multiple words for love that help differentiate what someone means. When you tell someone you love them, the question is how, as a friend, family, or romantically. For the sake of time, let's just talk about romantic love. 

Romantic love is the acknowledgment of a heart condition where your needs are second to another. A deeper connection built upon a foundation of friendship. Our brains builds pathways of familiarity with friends, and over time, these pathways become more ingrained within us. One way to think of this is digging a hole, the longer you're digging the deeper it gets and soon you're in it so deep you're completely in this hole you've dug. Love is patient. It love develops over time, where every stroke of the shovel brings you closer to a bigger hole. 

Romantic love must be united. As the hole gets bigger there are a few options: stick with this hole even if the dirt is firm and rocky or move onto fertile ground. This decision is harder than you think and comes from a few factors: commitment level, time frame, values and heart. If you and your s/o are not on the same page then what is dating for? Know what you want out of a relationship.

**Values should come before heart in a relationship. Especially religious values. If you and your s/o do not believe the same religious things this will stand in the way as long as one or both of you have these differing values and the relationship will not stand. Values need to come before feelings.

Commitment and Gilmore Girls

Commitment comes in stages, especially with Rory's relationships:

1. Hey, I just met you and this is crazy we've been dating 3 months and I'll see you tonight maybe. (0 - 6 months) -- Jess

2. Hey hon, bring some tampons and chocolate over with you because I'm on my period. (6 - 18 months) -- Dean

3. So, you've been dating for how long, and you guys haven't made plans to get Married? (18 - 36 months) (this also includes anyone who has no intention of marriage) -- Logan

Commitment is defined as "the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc." When in a committed relationship you are dedicated to your s/o for one purpose, to see if you guys could get married. Dating should be intentional, with the intention being to get married. If marriage isn't something that isn't on the table then why are you digging a huge hole that will be crazy hard to get out of? Emotions aren't easy to deal with, but if you are committed to someone then be there, be dedicated. 

Logan from Gilmore Girls is a great example of this. When he chooses to be Rory's boyfriend, he is dedicated. He spends the next 2 ish years pursing her until he is ready to marry her, and then when he gets rejected he LEAVES. That is the healthiest thing that he could have done.

Commitment is needed for a "safe" relationship. In order for someone to be all in they have to feel secure within the relationship.


But if you really want to watch more Gilmore Girls you should check out my friend Darien's blog: http://starshollowtherapy.blogspot.com/ She does a fantastic job, no matter what mood you are in!

Brooklyn in Bloom: Ellis and Tony

Ellis and Tony's romance is a relationship with trying to emulate.

Within their relationship, Ellis and Tony take the time to get to know each other and make their motives known before they start dating. Tony starts with small steps that set a foundation through out time to move towards each other in a respectful way. Their relationship builds. Their relationship has depth.

If I was to give the blank statement that you should emulate them without some sort of critique then I wouldn't listen to me. So here is my relationship critique.

DON'T GET MARRIED JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS LEAVING.

People getting married because one of them is leaving for the military, or to go home, or college isn't a reason to get married. If your relationship is strong enough that you think you should get married then you should just wait and get married when they are back. Another reason not to just get married is for sex. If you believe that sex is just for marriage, I agree, but DON'T rush into a marriage just so you can get laid.


Ellis and Tony's relationship has a foundation where they communicate and have certain expectations of behavior. Both Tony and Ellis expect the other to be faithful, as well as work hard so that in the future they can achieve their dreams, like building the house on the pasture and having a family.


Having goals within a relationship allows both partners to be just that, partner. Goals bring the partnership onto the same page of where the relationship is and where it could be going. After you have been dating for a while, most of those basic questions have answers, but sometimes it is good to go back through those questions and just recheck.

How many kids do you want?

What is your next goal you want to accomplish?

Where do you see this relationship going?

What do you love about me?

These types of questions allows both partners to start talking about the future and goals within life and within the relationship. Sometimes a reality check is just what a relationship needs.

Lyla Garrity and Tim Riggins: Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose.


Part of the Friday Night Lights tagline is Full Hearts. Within Lyla and Tim's relationship there are a lot of ups and downs, but honestly I think the best part of their relationship can be summed up in one line.

This iconic line defines their relationship. Over the course of their relationship Tim always pushes Lyla to be better. To Grow. This isn't one sided either. Lyla calls out Tim when he starts to settle about which college he is trying to go to. One of the ways we show love to our s/o is to be able to make each other better. Iron sharpens iron and all that.

The most toxic part of their relationship was when they changed what they believed. Lyla was very religious and that changed their relationship. In addition, when they started having sex it changed a lot of Lyla as well. These changes established a relationship that encouraged different parts of who each of them were. Lyla's ability to settle, and Tim's ability to achieve. Relationship built on certain qualities will encourage them to grow. 

Relationships that fill our hearts come from relationships that are built on qualities that we like within ourselves and make us better and encourages us to be the best we can we. 

Shout out to Chelsea! Thanks for leaving a comment! 

The View of Christian Marriage in Movies

This week I spent some time in the theatre seeing movies seeing some cheesy Christian movies like God's Not Dead 2 and Miracles from Heaven. Miracles from Heaven shows what a Christian Marriage could be like, but what about Christian dating?

   

Christian dating is kind of a weird niche to be in. Some couples may not touch for months or kiss before they are married, but all of these couples trying to see if marriage is the decision are doing something- they are laying a strong foundation.

Something that Christians believe is that a foundation built on God lasts. While not all of you readers will agree with that, something we can agree on is that relationships have to be built on a foundation. Whether that foundation is God, love, trust, mutual understanding, or contract, relationships are built on something. The stronger the foundation the better the relationship can be.

In God's Not Dead 2, Melissa Joan Hart is a Christian single adult female who through the process of defending her faith, meets a nice (attractive!!) single adult male, through this process they begin laying a foundation through spending time together and getting to know each other. This foundation of trust that Melissa Joan Hart has laid is latter betrayed. This foundation has a crack. If you know something about architecture, when a foundation has a crack, depending on where it is, the foundation may have to be torn up and relaid because it cannot hold. The relationship within this film is not broken, just damaged, and together they can fix it and build upon it.

In Miracles from Heaven, the mother and father's foundation has already been built and is now being tested. The security they had is gone and everything gets put on the line, but will their relationship fall? No. The credit cards are maxed, the tension is high from possibly losing their child, and throughout all that happens their relationship is shaken because one party is acting in faith and the other acting in doubt. They have to balance what each of them feel is right. In a Christian relationship, when God speaks to one party and not the other faith seems risky, and nobody likes risk. No matter what struggles we face we have to find a way to be on the same team working together. Dating is seeing what page each of you are on and finding a way to make it be the same one


In whatever relationship you are in, whether it is a christian relationship or not, the foundation needs to be able to hold you together when all hell is breaking loose. This foundation is the security of a relationship, it is something that keeps you both on the same page. It is the glue.

Matthew Murdock and Karen Page: The Daredevil Within

**Spoilers**

Matthew Murdock and Karen Page start dating in Daredevil Season 2. I was SO excited. The idea that the risk to Matthew was worth it to be with Karen was thrilling.

Whenever someone starts dating it means they've answered a serious question:

Is loving worth the risk?

The more we love the more risk we take. At the end of season 2, Matthew Murdock takes the largest risk a superhero can, revealing his identity. Love requires risk and openness. Being open is hard and there are a lot of ways that being open is scary. All of the secrets you thought you could hide forever either comes out or come between you two. Walls keep us safe, but they also keep us alone. Similarly to national safety, our love lives have to balance between being safe and having others involved. If we love each other their walls compliment our walls, in the good ways and bad. People who are closer to you MUST have less walls between the two of you. Some people are more defensive than others and have more walls, which is okay, but the walls between you and your s/o need to be less than between you and the rest of the world, especially if marriage is on the table.


So is it worth it? Well, Matthew Murdock decided it was when he revealed his identity.

Love gives us access to more than we have before. No pain, no gain, right? By allowing us to feel deeply we allow someone to hurt us in new and deeper ways than we have been hurt before. This pain CAN be great, but love WILL be great.

So will Matthew Murdock and Karen Page manage to fix their relationship by breaking down walls? Let me know in the comments!


As a side note, during the long scene with Matthew Murdock and the Punisher on the roof, the Punisher gives some advice to Matthew that reveals the same type of ideas. The Punisher is the wise fool. He teaches us what can happen when our pain is felt so deeply from loss. The Punisher realized that the risk was worth it, and continues to fight for the love he had, even if it is not through the best methods. Matthew Murdock gets to benefit from his advice.

The Needy Girl

So far this blog has been a lot of relationship analysis, but let's be real, girls can overthink anything they so choose-- so let's shift gears-- and go more into advice starting with, How to Quit Being the Needy Girl.

How to Quit Being the Needy Girl

Girls tend to be on two ends of the spectrum, I pretend I am not needy or I am needy all the time. Most times this neediness comes from daddy issues, a broken family, or a string of really screwed up relationships, but this list is not exclusive.

Maybe your thinking, "hey my issues weren't on that list so I must not be the needy girl!" Well. Think again. 

You might be the needy girl if:

• You constantly text your boyfriend and he knows about how your dropped your phone on your face this morning and made you cry.
• You see him more than 4 times a week and you don't live or work together.
• You get worried if he doesn't respond after an hour and you don't know what he is doing.
• You have to know his schedule to know ALL the times you can do stuff together.
• You worry about every status he updates, when you know he was with you, but didn't mention you.
•  You constantly ask for love, attention, affirmation, or just time.

So are you a needy girl?

Well honestly. You probably are. Let's change that.

Being needy is okay to a point, everyone likes to know that someone is looking out for them and excited to see them. The problem is when it goes too far. You know that 8th time you texted him without a response? Yeah, that line. Where everything is telling you to not do it and you do it anyways. So what is too far? Well, that depends. You should start with honestly communication with your significant other. HONESTLY, ask questions like "do you feel like I am constantly watching over your shoulder?" and "could you use more alone time?" and whatever his response is respect it. It is okay for it to hurt a little too. As a girlfriend, I think it our responsibility to make sure that we respect our partners, sometimes this means taking a step back and making sure he still is able to have his alone time and guy time. Every s/o likes you being around to a point, but know where that is and be able to function without your s/o. He should not be your entire world. Use this free time to pick up a hobby or phone a friend. It is amazing to see how you both flourish when you have some time apart.

If you are the needy girl, your journey is not complete and I can't wait to see what you do next.

Batman v Superman: Superman and Lois Lane’s Relationship

A movie with so many bad reviews, left one positive fact in my head, OMG they just so totally did an amazing job portraying the playfulness and depth of a relationship. Out of all the things that Batman v Superman did wrong (like the whole thing) they should get points for Clark Kent and Lois Lane’s Relationship. Coming out of Man of Steel,  I had some advice that it seems like they took.

             

Healthy:

1.                   Defined Boundaries. I was so excited to see that in BvS they had Clark Kent and Lois Lane in a defined relationship. Living together. Being there for each other. Whether or not they should be doing this before they are married is a different question, but I’ll just make the comment that most couples that cohabitate before marriage end up divorced. (Wanna know more? Let me know in the comments and I would love to chat.)

2.                   Family Matters. Lois and Clark are in a committed relationship. They have given each other everything, and so after Lois is safe, he goes to save his mommy. Family is important and it is important that your family and s/o (significant other) work towards having a good relationship (or at least can be civil).

Unhealthy:

1.     1.                    The world is more important than your relationship. There is a certain amount of perspective we can lose in a relationship. If your job is on the line and your relationship is good, you should be at work (not abandoning the world for your world). BUT LIKE, that scene though. Directly after he saved her, and he’s like “you’re my world” I may or may not have died. Perspective is good. Cheese is better in movies.

2.     2.                  Friends are Important. Throughout your relationship at every stage, friends are important. You need to have someone outside of your s/o to be able to talk to. You should have a friend (I recommend same gender) to be able to go to in times of trouble. Your s/o is not Superman who can’t save you if you’re pushed off a roof, but we can’t have everything we want. So make friends so they can have your back, and you can have theirs.

Special:

Relationships are somewhere where you can have fun, be yourself, and just be a little crazy sometimes. The scene where you can see Clark trying to beat Lois home to make her dinner is so sweet, instead he ends up jumping into a bathtub with her while being fully clothed. This playfulness and fun is unique to their relationship, but an element of fun and sweetness should be in every relationship.

Relationships aren’t easy. They always come from a lot of hard work and making the tough choices. Superman choose his relationship when he hit “pause” on the battle and went to save Lois from drowning.