Criminal Minds For Love

Criminal Minds is a popular television show all about catching serial killers. Serial killers and Couples are actually very similar. Here are 3 ways they are similar!

1. Both will go out of their way to defend themselves or their partner. 

Couples and serial killers both cherish what they have. Whether that is the ability to kill people or to have the person you love by your side, protecting who what you love matters. Always take the time to help your s/o and show them your love. Stand up for them when they can't or shouldn't stand up for themselves. It is okay to be defenseless with your s/o, but be careful about how vulnerable you are. People tend to use this against you. Like we have our armed services to protect at domestically and foreign, we must also protect ourselves from the vices within others, while still seeing the good.

2. Both establish a common ground or "local haunts".

The place you always go where everyone knows your name. That movie theatre, restaurant, bar, bowling alley (I'm not judging), is your comfort zone. These are the places you know what to expect from. You are familiar with. Just like a serial killer. A serial killers comfort zone is where they are comfortable getting victims and killing them. Whereas a couples comfort zone may not be so dramatic as slashing someones throat, but it is doing what you are okay doing. There is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes though, it can get boring, routine. Try to switch it up every once in a while. "Go beyond what you see" and try somewhere new.

3. Both are willing to fight to continue what they have.

Both understand value. Nobody is better at looking into your s/o's eyes and knowing they love you. Being willing to fight against all likelihood that it will not continue because you cherish and value the one you have. Fighting to keep each other, fighting to keep loving each other. A serial killer will fight to do what he values- killing. This is of such great value to him that the costs become obsolete as he seeks after the thing that gives him value. Is this right? No. Augustine taught of ordered loves. Where desires should submit to loving the other things right first. Killing people is not showing love. Fighting to maintain your relationship, good.



Killing, bad. Love, good. Got it?

What's love got to do with it?

There are so many ideas about love, but what is love and what does it have to do with a relationship?

Love is a lot of things. In Greek, there are multiple words for love that help differentiate what someone means. When you tell someone you love them, the question is how, as a friend, family, or romantically. For the sake of time, let's just talk about romantic love. 

Romantic love is the acknowledgment of a heart condition where your needs are second to another. A deeper connection built upon a foundation of friendship. Our brains builds pathways of familiarity with friends, and over time, these pathways become more ingrained within us. One way to think of this is digging a hole, the longer you're digging the deeper it gets and soon you're in it so deep you're completely in this hole you've dug. Love is patient. It love develops over time, where every stroke of the shovel brings you closer to a bigger hole. 

Romantic love must be united. As the hole gets bigger there are a few options: stick with this hole even if the dirt is firm and rocky or move onto fertile ground. This decision is harder than you think and comes from a few factors: commitment level, time frame, values and heart. If you and your s/o are not on the same page then what is dating for? Know what you want out of a relationship.

**Values should come before heart in a relationship. Especially religious values. If you and your s/o do not believe the same religious things this will stand in the way as long as one or both of you have these differing values and the relationship will not stand. Values need to come before feelings.

Commitment and Gilmore Girls

Commitment comes in stages, especially with Rory's relationships:

1. Hey, I just met you and this is crazy we've been dating 3 months and I'll see you tonight maybe. (0 - 6 months) -- Jess

2. Hey hon, bring some tampons and chocolate over with you because I'm on my period. (6 - 18 months) -- Dean

3. So, you've been dating for how long, and you guys haven't made plans to get Married? (18 - 36 months) (this also includes anyone who has no intention of marriage) -- Logan

Commitment is defined as "the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc." When in a committed relationship you are dedicated to your s/o for one purpose, to see if you guys could get married. Dating should be intentional, with the intention being to get married. If marriage isn't something that isn't on the table then why are you digging a huge hole that will be crazy hard to get out of? Emotions aren't easy to deal with, but if you are committed to someone then be there, be dedicated. 

Logan from Gilmore Girls is a great example of this. When he chooses to be Rory's boyfriend, he is dedicated. He spends the next 2 ish years pursing her until he is ready to marry her, and then when he gets rejected he LEAVES. That is the healthiest thing that he could have done.

Commitment is needed for a "safe" relationship. In order for someone to be all in they have to feel secure within the relationship.


But if you really want to watch more Gilmore Girls you should check out my friend Darien's blog: http://starshollowtherapy.blogspot.com/ She does a fantastic job, no matter what mood you are in!

Brooklyn in Bloom: Ellis and Tony

Ellis and Tony's romance is a relationship with trying to emulate.

Within their relationship, Ellis and Tony take the time to get to know each other and make their motives known before they start dating. Tony starts with small steps that set a foundation through out time to move towards each other in a respectful way. Their relationship builds. Their relationship has depth.

If I was to give the blank statement that you should emulate them without some sort of critique then I wouldn't listen to me. So here is my relationship critique.

DON'T GET MARRIED JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS LEAVING.

People getting married because one of them is leaving for the military, or to go home, or college isn't a reason to get married. If your relationship is strong enough that you think you should get married then you should just wait and get married when they are back. Another reason not to just get married is for sex. If you believe that sex is just for marriage, I agree, but DON'T rush into a marriage just so you can get laid.


Ellis and Tony's relationship has a foundation where they communicate and have certain expectations of behavior. Both Tony and Ellis expect the other to be faithful, as well as work hard so that in the future they can achieve their dreams, like building the house on the pasture and having a family.


Having goals within a relationship allows both partners to be just that, partner. Goals bring the partnership onto the same page of where the relationship is and where it could be going. After you have been dating for a while, most of those basic questions have answers, but sometimes it is good to go back through those questions and just recheck.

How many kids do you want?

What is your next goal you want to accomplish?

Where do you see this relationship going?

What do you love about me?

These types of questions allows both partners to start talking about the future and goals within life and within the relationship. Sometimes a reality check is just what a relationship needs.

Lyla Garrity and Tim Riggins: Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose.

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose.


Part of the Friday Night Lights tagline is Full Hearts. Within Lyla and Tim's relationship there are a lot of ups and downs, but honestly I think the best part of their relationship can be summed up in one line.

This iconic line defines their relationship. Over the course of their relationship Tim always pushes Lyla to be better. To Grow. This isn't one sided either. Lyla calls out Tim when he starts to settle about which college he is trying to go to. One of the ways we show love to our s/o is to be able to make each other better. Iron sharpens iron and all that.

The most toxic part of their relationship was when they changed what they believed. Lyla was very religious and that changed their relationship. In addition, when they started having sex it changed a lot of Lyla as well. These changes established a relationship that encouraged different parts of who each of them were. Lyla's ability to settle, and Tim's ability to achieve. Relationship built on certain qualities will encourage them to grow. 

Relationships that fill our hearts come from relationships that are built on qualities that we like within ourselves and make us better and encourages us to be the best we can we. 

Shout out to Chelsea! Thanks for leaving a comment! 

The View of Christian Marriage in Movies

This week I spent some time in the theatre seeing movies seeing some cheesy Christian movies like God's Not Dead 2 and Miracles from Heaven. Miracles from Heaven shows what a Christian Marriage could be like, but what about Christian dating?

   

Christian dating is kind of a weird niche to be in. Some couples may not touch for months or kiss before they are married, but all of these couples trying to see if marriage is the decision are doing something- they are laying a strong foundation.

Something that Christians believe is that a foundation built on God lasts. While not all of you readers will agree with that, something we can agree on is that relationships have to be built on a foundation. Whether that foundation is God, love, trust, mutual understanding, or contract, relationships are built on something. The stronger the foundation the better the relationship can be.

In God's Not Dead 2, Melissa Joan Hart is a Christian single adult female who through the process of defending her faith, meets a nice (attractive!!) single adult male, through this process they begin laying a foundation through spending time together and getting to know each other. This foundation of trust that Melissa Joan Hart has laid is latter betrayed. This foundation has a crack. If you know something about architecture, when a foundation has a crack, depending on where it is, the foundation may have to be torn up and relaid because it cannot hold. The relationship within this film is not broken, just damaged, and together they can fix it and build upon it.

In Miracles from Heaven, the mother and father's foundation has already been built and is now being tested. The security they had is gone and everything gets put on the line, but will their relationship fall? No. The credit cards are maxed, the tension is high from possibly losing their child, and throughout all that happens their relationship is shaken because one party is acting in faith and the other acting in doubt. They have to balance what each of them feel is right. In a Christian relationship, when God speaks to one party and not the other faith seems risky, and nobody likes risk. No matter what struggles we face we have to find a way to be on the same team working together. Dating is seeing what page each of you are on and finding a way to make it be the same one


In whatever relationship you are in, whether it is a christian relationship or not, the foundation needs to be able to hold you together when all hell is breaking loose. This foundation is the security of a relationship, it is something that keeps you both on the same page. It is the glue.

Matthew Murdock and Karen Page: The Daredevil Within

**Spoilers**

Matthew Murdock and Karen Page start dating in Daredevil Season 2. I was SO excited. The idea that the risk to Matthew was worth it to be with Karen was thrilling.

Whenever someone starts dating it means they've answered a serious question:

Is loving worth the risk?

The more we love the more risk we take. At the end of season 2, Matthew Murdock takes the largest risk a superhero can, revealing his identity. Love requires risk and openness. Being open is hard and there are a lot of ways that being open is scary. All of the secrets you thought you could hide forever either comes out or come between you two. Walls keep us safe, but they also keep us alone. Similarly to national safety, our love lives have to balance between being safe and having others involved. If we love each other their walls compliment our walls, in the good ways and bad. People who are closer to you MUST have less walls between the two of you. Some people are more defensive than others and have more walls, which is okay, but the walls between you and your s/o need to be less than between you and the rest of the world, especially if marriage is on the table.


So is it worth it? Well, Matthew Murdock decided it was when he revealed his identity.

Love gives us access to more than we have before. No pain, no gain, right? By allowing us to feel deeply we allow someone to hurt us in new and deeper ways than we have been hurt before. This pain CAN be great, but love WILL be great.

So will Matthew Murdock and Karen Page manage to fix their relationship by breaking down walls? Let me know in the comments!


As a side note, during the long scene with Matthew Murdock and the Punisher on the roof, the Punisher gives some advice to Matthew that reveals the same type of ideas. The Punisher is the wise fool. He teaches us what can happen when our pain is felt so deeply from loss. The Punisher realized that the risk was worth it, and continues to fight for the love he had, even if it is not through the best methods. Matthew Murdock gets to benefit from his advice.

The Needy Girl

So far this blog has been a lot of relationship analysis, but let's be real, girls can overthink anything they so choose-- so let's shift gears-- and go more into advice starting with, How to Quit Being the Needy Girl.

How to Quit Being the Needy Girl

Girls tend to be on two ends of the spectrum, I pretend I am not needy or I am needy all the time. Most times this neediness comes from daddy issues, a broken family, or a string of really screwed up relationships, but this list is not exclusive.

Maybe your thinking, "hey my issues weren't on that list so I must not be the needy girl!" Well. Think again. 

You might be the needy girl if:

• You constantly text your boyfriend and he knows about how your dropped your phone on your face this morning and made you cry.
• You see him more than 4 times a week and you don't live or work together.
• You get worried if he doesn't respond after an hour and you don't know what he is doing.
• You have to know his schedule to know ALL the times you can do stuff together.
• You worry about every status he updates, when you know he was with you, but didn't mention you.
•  You constantly ask for love, attention, affirmation, or just time.

So are you a needy girl?

Well honestly. You probably are. Let's change that.

Being needy is okay to a point, everyone likes to know that someone is looking out for them and excited to see them. The problem is when it goes too far. You know that 8th time you texted him without a response? Yeah, that line. Where everything is telling you to not do it and you do it anyways. So what is too far? Well, that depends. You should start with honestly communication with your significant other. HONESTLY, ask questions like "do you feel like I am constantly watching over your shoulder?" and "could you use more alone time?" and whatever his response is respect it. It is okay for it to hurt a little too. As a girlfriend, I think it our responsibility to make sure that we respect our partners, sometimes this means taking a step back and making sure he still is able to have his alone time and guy time. Every s/o likes you being around to a point, but know where that is and be able to function without your s/o. He should not be your entire world. Use this free time to pick up a hobby or phone a friend. It is amazing to see how you both flourish when you have some time apart.

If you are the needy girl, your journey is not complete and I can't wait to see what you do next.

Batman v Superman: Superman and Lois Lane’s Relationship

A movie with so many bad reviews, left one positive fact in my head, OMG they just so totally did an amazing job portraying the playfulness and depth of a relationship. Out of all the things that Batman v Superman did wrong (like the whole thing) they should get points for Clark Kent and Lois Lane’s Relationship. Coming out of Man of Steel,  I had some advice that it seems like they took.

             

Healthy:

1.                   Defined Boundaries. I was so excited to see that in BvS they had Clark Kent and Lois Lane in a defined relationship. Living together. Being there for each other. Whether or not they should be doing this before they are married is a different question, but I’ll just make the comment that most couples that cohabitate before marriage end up divorced. (Wanna know more? Let me know in the comments and I would love to chat.)

2.                   Family Matters. Lois and Clark are in a committed relationship. They have given each other everything, and so after Lois is safe, he goes to save his mommy. Family is important and it is important that your family and s/o (significant other) work towards having a good relationship (or at least can be civil).

Unhealthy:

1.     1.                    The world is more important than your relationship. There is a certain amount of perspective we can lose in a relationship. If your job is on the line and your relationship is good, you should be at work (not abandoning the world for your world). BUT LIKE, that scene though. Directly after he saved her, and he’s like “you’re my world” I may or may not have died. Perspective is good. Cheese is better in movies.

2.     2.                  Friends are Important. Throughout your relationship at every stage, friends are important. You need to have someone outside of your s/o to be able to talk to. You should have a friend (I recommend same gender) to be able to go to in times of trouble. Your s/o is not Superman who can’t save you if you’re pushed off a roof, but we can’t have everything we want. So make friends so they can have your back, and you can have theirs.

Special:

Relationships are somewhere where you can have fun, be yourself, and just be a little crazy sometimes. The scene where you can see Clark trying to beat Lois home to make her dinner is so sweet, instead he ends up jumping into a bathtub with her while being fully clothed. This playfulness and fun is unique to their relationship, but an element of fun and sweetness should be in every relationship.

Relationships aren’t easy. They always come from a lot of hard work and making the tough choices. Superman choose his relationship when he hit “pause” on the battle and went to save Lois from drowning.

Lessons From A Leading Lady

Meg Ryan. A woman who was literally #goals for so many young ladies. How could someone be so amazing? Within some of her most amazing chick flick roles, she showed her flaws within relationships. By looking at three of her most iconic roles:

You've Got Mail

Sleepless in Seattle

and lasts but not least,

When Harry Met Sally.

4 things we can learn:

The Good:

1. Always ask for help. Never be so bold as to think you know everything.

2. Be YOURSELF. Be yourself and never apologize. Whether as Sally, Annie, or Kathleen Kelly, Meg Ryan stayed true to who she was and never apologized for her sass.



So, what could someone so perfect as Meg Ryan do wrong within a relationship?

The Bad:

3. Fate. Not everything that we do is scripted. We won't always know who will sleep us off our feet, and even we find it, it might not be exactly what we hoped it would.

4. Strangers Danger. Chatting online and radio shows may not be the best ways to meet men. There is real danger that does come from these circumstances. If you choose to do this, be aware. Meet in public places, and make sure someone knows where you are. Just be smart, okay? Okay.

When Harry Met Sally and Tried Friendship

When Harry Met Sally is a great example of chemistry. A "natural" attraction that starts as a challenge.

The Healthy:

1. Chemistry. Whether it be the good girl and bad boy, or two friends, sparks can always fly. Healthy relationships may not always start with sparks, but a true friendship foundation build chemistry.

2. Friendship. Being friends first is under rated these days, but knowing who someone is BEFORE you being a romantic relationship is a great way to refine your selections before anything happens. Once a relationship starts then a friendship is the foundation.

The Unhealthy:

1. Love Someone Else. So many times today people use loving someone else as an excuse for divorce or breaking up with someone. If you're in a relationship, be in the relationship. Invest. Don't going looking for an exit sign. Don't get me wrong there is definitely a time to leave if things really don't work, but try to save the relationship you have before starting a new one.

2. Rushing. There is this cheesy passage that says love is patient. But today we have to specify that, real love is patient. Talking time to feel out a potential relationship, or dating relationship before taking the next step is not a bad decision. Feel comfortable with what you are doing. If red flags are going on if could be a real signal, or false, you don't know unless you take the time to think about them and figure it out. It is okay to do so.

The Special:

When Harry Met Sally has a special time of growth. At the beginning of the story they immediately have chemistry, but after time their chemistry has grown for the last 12 years leaving both Harry and Sally desperate for each other. Love is supposed to grow over time.

 

Sleepless in Seattle

To be sleepless and hopeful for a chance is more than a girl can ask for.

The Healthy:

1. Love is Risk. By risking hurt Annie Reed was able to find something real. Over and over again she had been hurt. She had to put it all on the line to be on the Empire State Building, and look at what she gained. Within a relationship.

2. Go out on a Limb. Similar to #1. Jump in sometimes. Call into a radio show, put your heart out on the line. To start a relationship, one has to go outside their comfort zone. Once in a relationship, it is REALLY easy to forget to step outside their comfort zone for their partner. Compromise is a skill.

The Unhealthy:

1. Be Safe. Risk can be good, but ALWAYS use protection (; and not just for that. But risks need to be calculated. Don't put yourself in unnecessary danger.

2. Don't Let Others Run Your Love Life. Advice is good, and a push can be good, but sometimes it can go to far. Watch where your relationship is going and don't let other people's advice rule over what you want in your relationship.

The Special:

The Story. How a couple gets where it is today is always unique. Where did you come from, and where can you go? When you remember when you come from it reminds me why you fight for your relationship. Why you were willing to risk all that pain in the first place.

You've Got Mail & A Love Interest

"I hoped it was you."

In the classic chick flick, You've Got Mail,  Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks (maybe the most perfect couple ever) end up together after Tom Hanks uses manipulation to change Kathleen Kelly's (Meg Ryan) mind and, yep you guessed it, she fell for him.

Instead of the normal healthy, unhealthy, and special. I think we need to point something important out.

Manipulation is not a way to be in ANY relationship.

Manipulation and abuse, just don't work in a relationship. These things are not okay. IF someone if hurting you, it is not your fault. It isn't. There are no excuses for what they are doing to you. Get help and get out. You are better than that. It isn't about the history you have, it is about how you are being treated. You need to take care of yourself.

You deserve better.

Before Batman vs Superman: Man of Steel and a Lovely Lady

Superman and Lois Lane in The Man of Steel had a flirtationship. This undefined relationship without boundaries is built on trust and attraction. When Lois first meets Clark, she is trying to write a story about Superman, she knows it is him and chooses to trust him. When Lois chose to commit to Clark through keeping his secret their relationship truly begins. When he chooses to save her their relationship grows.

Their relationship, like every relationship, healthy, unhealthy, and special parts.

So what are they?

The Healthy:

- Superman and Mrs. Lane are both committed to the same values and have the same desires. They walk around Metropolis and work on making it a better place by fighting through the rough parts. Superman physically and Lois through reporting and working alongside the army to fight back.

- Their relationship has a bit of distance that allows both of them to partner together and grow alongside each other while still pursing their own strengths. Lois doesn't try to fly or be a superhero, instead she embraces the type of superhero she can be by using the gifts and talents that she possesses. 

The Unhealthy:

- Trust has not been earned. Their relationship is based on initial trust, without knowing anything about each other. Trust is one of the deepest parts of a relationship. You can only work with people who you trust. They trust each other, but does that mean that the trust is something they can rely upon? Lois is arrested by the FBI and puts everything on the line for a guy she doesn't really know.

- Where do they stand? Lois and Clark both have sent signals of affection but at no point did they establish boundaries. At the end of the movie, Lois rejects a coworker's date offer. Are Lois and Clark dating? No. Are they exclusive? Maybe? By not being on the same page someone will get hurt. Know where you stand.

Special Part:

- The deep founded trust and commitment may not be earned, but the fact that they can work together through whatever happens and protect each other is special. They work together and are always presented to be on the same page supporting each other. It is something truly special.

Is there another movie couple you would like to hear about? Let me know in the comments!

10 Quotes Where Fictional Relations Became Non-Fiction

Within each fictional relationship that should have been, or was, we can learn valuable lessons of how we can make our dating relationships stronger. These 10 quotes teach us valuable lessons about how to love better.

1. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." - Moulin Rouge

          Love is something we have to learn constantly. Love is a choice that we work at all the time.

2. "We accept the love we think we deserve." - The Perks of Being A Wallflower

           Everyone has baggage. When in a relationship we have remember where our partner is at and be able to come alongside them to be able to help them where they are and show them love.

3. "Even if love is full of thorns, I'd still embrace it, for I know that in between those thorns there is a rose worth all the pain." - Sleeping Beauty

           Relationships will have heartache. There is going to be pain, but with that pain comes something more beautiful. By embracing the good and the bad comes intimacy.

4. “So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day. You and me - every day.” - The Notebook

            Love isn't easy. It is something that both partners have to commit to and work towards.

5. "You had me at hello." - Jerry Maguire

             Even when love is hard, remembering why you're involved and everything you have been through.

6. "Of all the gin joints in all the world, she had to walk into mine." - Casablanca

             Love is opportune. We have have to remember to seize the day.

7. "I love her and that's the beginning of everything." - The Great Gatsby

8. "You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how." - Gone With the Wind

              Showing love is just as important as feeling it. Communication is key, right? So telling your partner and showing them is important. Appreciate who they are and their commitment to you.

9. "Most of all I am scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you." - Dirty Dancing

10. "Don't you understand that everything I do, I do it for you? Anything that might be special in me, is you." - Great Expectations


             Being together allows you both to shine. Being in a relationship allows both partners to highlight their talents and grow each other.

Fictional characters remind us so much of the best parts of the relationship that could be. Love teaches us to seize the day and build each other up. There are so many real lessons to be learned from the things we do not see as real. Most of the time, we need this characters to remind us how good it can be.